Nobody's Mommy

    

  Mday. 

Or rather, Mother's day. 

It's one of the few days I would rather just no longer be than deal with. 

On Mday I avoid church.
I avoid resturants.

I avoid teas and brunches. 

Teas and brunches that are filled with babies and toddlers.

Mothers-to-be having their bellies rubbed and talks of their first Mother's day.
Moments of joy and moments of pain.

I used to love this time of year.

The spring rains are finally subsiding.

The grass is green, there are leaves on the trees.

Flowers are everywhere.

The air is fragrant with the promise of new life.

But for me there is no new life.

I look down at my empty belly and wonder if it will ever be full.

Knowing that even if it is, the scars will linger on.

Now this time of year is full of dread.

That an innocent child in pink and yellow skirts will once again refer to me as,
"Nobody's Mommy."

The dread of sitting awkwardly in a pew as  the mothers are asked to stand.
Wondering if I should stand.
But my babies aren't here.

I stay seated.

Biting my lip until I taste blood in an attempt to hold back the tears.

Walking, empty handed, through a crowd of smiling women with handfuls of flowers.

Given to them as symbols of us all honoring our mothers.

Evidence of their day.
And we should honor them.
They are wonderful and hardworking.
What they do and who they are is incredible.
Without them we would not be.
But this thought does little to dull the pain of empty arms.

My eyes look down.
Tracing the carpet as I hurry through.

I don't know which would be worse; 

the looks of pity or letting them see my red, swollen eyes.
I rejoice with them.
I envy them.
I refuse to deny the pain, because that would be a lie.
Instead I trust God.
I trust that my desire for children is God given; that it's good.
And I trust that my pain is real and natural and ok.
At the end of the day I will still trust You.
Because right now I'm nobody's mommy, and all I can do is trust.

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"Maybe "being joyful" isn't actually a feeling, especially not the feeling called "Happy." Maybe "being joyful" gives us the freedom to embrace whatever emotions we are struggling through: the sadness, the anger, the worry, the pain that paralyzes at times. Maybe "being joyful" is more of an attitude. Maybe "being joyful" means that we simply choose to see God's hand orchestrating, choose to trust His sovereignty, and choose to praise His name - no matter what. {Even when we continue to walk through the darkness.}"
 -Kendra Broekhuis