The Pain

The pain of seeing another ultrasound, gender reveal, and newly decorated nursery.

Another pregnancy announcement, another baby shower, another reminder.
A reminder that I should have a baby in my arms, but I don't.
I'm not even pregnant.
Sometimes I think it's unbearable. 

Trusting God is hard, and a lot of times I don't. The times I do are the best. I feel such peace, love, trust. 

I'm ok. 

Until I'm not. 

Like today.

Today I'm not ok.
I really shouldn't stalk people I used to know on facebook. Let's face it, this is the time in life when everyone is starting their families, and I'm bound to see ultrasounds everywhere I go. I want to know, but I don't.

It hurts.
It physically hurts.
Sometimes I think I can feel my heart actually breaking.
There are days when the tears don't stop, and days where I think I'm ok.

It's not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty.
 Making you feel weak and tired.
 Yet you can't even sleep because the sadness is in your dreams, too.
It's a sadness that you can't escape.

It's harder when people don't understand. When they blame you, without realizing it. When they try to relate to it and all you can do is think, "Really? You think that's what this is like because you're past you're due date and you just want that baby out of you?"
You have no idea.

I remember when we were at about 8 months of trying. I thought it was so hard. Ha! 

That was months and months ago.

 I had no idea.

There are so many people who have cried more, tried longer, and hoped harder. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so sad, but the thing is, it's sad no matter what. The pain is always there when you know it won't happen easily, if at all.


I want to trust God. It's easier when I do. 

But today I'm losing hope.
Tomorrow will be better.

__________________________________________

This is the last cycle before our 2014 baby slips away. Sure, we could get pregnant, God can do all things, but we probably won't. It's hard, knowing we won't have a baby this year. 

But the months pass, and now our hope turns towards yet another year.

 2016.

It goes on and on.

The hope hurts, and you start to wonder if it's worth it.

Feeling broken.

Always broken.

"You can only come to the morning through the shadows." 

J.R.R. Tolkien