Monday, April 7, 2014

The Pain

The pain of seeing another ultrasound, gender reveal, and newly decorated nursery.
Another pregnancy announcement, another baby shower, another reminder.
A reminder that I should have a baby in my arms, but I don't.
I'm not even pregnant.
Sometimes I think it's unbearable. 
Trusting God is hard, and a lot of times I don't. The times I do are the best. I feel such peace, love, trust. 
I'm ok. 
Until I'm not. 
Like today.
Today I'm not ok.
I really shouldn't stalk people I used to know on facebook. Let's face it, this is the time in life when everyone is starting their families, and I'm bound to see ultrasounds everywhere I go. I want to know, but I don't.
It hurts.
It physically hurts.
Sometimes I think I can feel my heart actually breaking.
There are days when the tears don't stop, and days where I think I'm ok.

It's not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty.
 Making you feel weak and tired.
 Yet you can't even sleep because the sadness is in your dreams, too.
It's a sadness that you can't escape.

It's harder when people don't understand. When they blame you, without realizing it. When they try to relate to it and all you can do is think, "Really? You think that's what this is like because you're past you're due date and you just want that baby out of you?"
You have no idea.
I remember when we were at about 8 months of trying. I thought it was so hard. Ha! 
That was months and months ago.
 I had no idea.

There are so many people who have cried more, tried longer, and hoped harder. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so sad, but the thing is, it's sad no matter what. The pain is always there when you know it won't happen easily, if at all.


I want to trust God. It's easier when I do. 
But today I'm losing hope.
Tomorrow will be better.

__________________________________________

This is the last cycle before our 2014 baby slips away. Sure, we could get pregnant, God can do all things, but we probably won't. It's hard, knowing we won't have a baby this year. 
But the months pass, and now our hope turns towards yet another year.
 2016.
It goes on and on.
The hope hurts, and you start to wonder if it's worth it.
Feeling broken.
Always broken.

"You can only come to the morning through the shadows." 
J.R.R. Tolkien



6 comments:

  1. Loving and always praying for your miracle to come <3

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  2. Thank you for sharing your feelings so freely. I am a birth mother through open adoption and reading stories like yours helps me connect to my son's mom better. I know she struggled with infertility for a very long time.

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    Replies
    1. Brina, I'm so glad that my post can help anyone in some small way. What an incredible story you have. If you have a blog I would love to read it!

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  3. Don’t think of anything else just contact priest eka and purchase some of his herbal medication and your depression will go away. This was my state of mind when my doctor told me that i will not be able to concieve due to the Fibroid that was rolling in my family life and when i decide to reach out to the priest, and the priest told me what to do in other to get the medication. Eventually I receive all the Herbal medications that cure my Fibroid and give me the chance to become a proud mother: Eka is a great spiritualist, He did it for me, you can contact Eka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com). If you are suffering from the following gynecology disease::
    1. Fibroid, Asthma, All STD, sinus infection
    2.High Blood Pressure (herbs to reduce your BP within 7days)
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    4. Blockage from the fallopian Tube
    5. Cyst from the ovaries
    6. Unpleasant smell from the virginal, virginal itching
    7. Irregular menstruation
    8. Weakness of the penis (not able to have sex with your partner or inability to satisfy your partner sexually)
    9. Watering sperm (low sperm count) not able to get woman pregnant.
    10. Infertility for easy Conception.......
    11. Skin diseases, Toilet infection and bad body odor…….Etc..
    Simply contact the spiritualist DrEka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com) to get his Herbal Medication to cure your disease and put yourself on a motherhood side of life..

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  4. My name is Caroline Ahmed from New York,After 6 years of marriage with no child i finally I got pregnant Glory to God almighty my Dear sister am writing to you to share with you what the Mallam Abudu Has done, I said to myself that I will testify when the Mallam Abudu does this with herbal medicine ,I emailed you for a request of your pregnancy medicine last year after seeing the testimonies of other ladies on a website online I decided to put my faith and come in agreement with you.Your pregnancy medicine and You prayed for me we agreed for me to conceive, Hallelujah!! Yes I did conceive two months after and I am now 4 months pregnant Glory to the Almighty God. I know I will have a smooth and easy delivery soon.contact him. mallamabuduspiritualhome@gmail.com or call +2349055637784

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