I'm currently waiting for this cycle to end. I had a promising chart this month, very promising, but I can feel that the end is near and it's hitting me harder than I thought. After 27 cycles you learn the signs and know when to stop getting your hopes up.
The end of this month marks 2 years.
Yes, many have tried much longer than I, but it still hurts. Sadly, this pain can't be cured by ice cream and wine, even though I try every month.
I don't know what we're going to do. We've met with some friends who are adopting to get some first hand information and discuss fears and apprehensions.
My follow up appointment to discuss test results and treatment plans is on Monday.
My birthday.
A positive pregnancy test would have been a really nice birthday present. The last two birthdays have had a cloud over them. If I had known that it was going to take this long and be this hard, I never would have started trying for a family the same month as my birthday.
It's also been exactly 1 year and 11 days since my miscarriage.
Time for more ice cream.
I haven't been good about talking to God about the pain. I don't know why I'm not, I really don't struggle with bitterness towards Him
. Yes, I often wonder why terrible people have children, while deserving ones go through the silent struggle of loss and infertility. It would be strange not to. But I don't blame Him for my loss, and I don't blame Him for my infertility. He grieves with me, I know.
I will still trust You.
